The phrase “you can’t pour from an empty cup” applies to financial and emotional lives. Whether you’re considering financial help for a family member or a donation to a favorite organization, a desire to help can create unintended challenges.
Helping clients navigate those challenges is part of Tara Unverzagt’s work as Senior Financial Planner and Financial Therapist at South Bay Financial Partners. Some clients are parents or grandparents who want to help with major expenses—college tuition, car purchases, or ongoing financial support. Others desire to help through charitable giving.
In both situations, Tara encourages clients to consider a few questions to find balance between their desire to help others and a sustainable financial approach.
Balancing Support and Independence in Family Finances
Providing financial help to family members can stem from many factors, including a desire to share what we value, our own relationship with image and identity, or a hope of easing life’s struggles. The challenge comes when financial assistance creates unsustainable situations.
In the context of financial support, Tara says there’s a meaningful difference between what she and other financial therapists call “scaffolding” and “enmeshment.” Scaffolding might look like paying for a cell phone or contributing to a first car purchase—support that helps someone get established without creating lasting dependence. Enmeshment happens when finances become intertwined in ways that create ongoing reliance.
Being conscious about which one you’re choosing can help you make decisions that align with your intentions, Tara says. “The line between these approaches looks different for every family.” “It might be worth reflecting on: What kind of support feels sustainable and healthy for everyone involved?”
The sustainable level of support may mean a different type of lifestyle than they had during their childhoods. Being honest about the level of long-term support that you can provide can help children develop a grounded financial approach. Tara notes that parents or grandparents who want to provide financial support have good intentions, but that can backfire over time.
Honoring Emotional Connection and Practical Circumstances
Rather than following strict rules, Tara encourages clients to consider what feels aligned with their situation:
- What are you feeling, and what might your loved one be feeling?
- What can you realistically provide without compromising your own financial well-being?
- What might support their growth and confidence over time?
- What are you hoping will happen as a result of your help?
“Most of our actions serve multiple purposes, including taking care of our own feelings,” Tara says. “Awareness can help you make choices that honor both your emotional connection and your practical circumstances.”
Tara says conversations about money can be difficult for some families, but they are an important part of a sustainable financial approach. “If you have the capacity to support your kids, then it’s a choice that you can make,” she says. “You can have a discussion with your family about that decision and whether it’s one that works for everyone.”
Giving Thoughtfully: Finding the Right Level of Support
Clients who are passionate about charitable giving face a different challenge, Tara says. For various reasons, they sometimes don’t pause to understand what they can comfortably afford to give. “A lot of times, they aren’t paying attention to what they need,” she says.
As with all financial decisions, charitable giving serves multiple purposes. Sometimes people give because they deeply care about a cause. Sometimes they give because it helps them feel better about their own circumstances. Sometimes they give because it connects to their identity or values. Often, it’s a combination of all these things.
The key to sustainable charitable giving is the same principle that creates well-being in all areas of financial lives: managing (and giving) with intention. This means taking time to understand both capacity and priorities. Consider these guidelines:
- Understand true capacity. Look at what can realistically be afforded while maintaining financial stability and peace of mind.
- Explore motivations with curiosity. Notice what drives giving without judgment, just with awareness.
- Think long-term. Giving that can be maintained over time often creates more impact than sporadic, larger gifts that stretch resources.
The thoughts that emerge from these considerations help provide clarity and guidance.
Sustainable Generosity Starts with Self-Awareness
Whether it’s donating to a favorite cause or providing financial help to family, Tara says it’s crucial to acknowledge how our emotions affect our actions. Through financial therapy, she helps clients examine how they talk and feel about money and identify evidence-based changes that help them improve their overall well-being.
“These conversations are helpful when you need to realign your financial decisions with your current and future needs,” she says. “For a number of reasons, it’s important to stop and consider why you are giving, and whether it’s actually helpful.”
Ultimately, it’s important to consider the motivations behind our desire to provide financial assistance, whether it’s for family members or charitable organizations, and then give with intention.